I've avoided mentioning my abuser by name while posting on this blog. I've not posted in quite a while. My reasons were more related to the fact that it was difficult to bring myself back down to the mentality where I was becoming panicked and reliving the experiences.
I recently learned that my abuser had died. When I first received word of his passing, it was surreal. I had to see proof to believe it. His obituary was definitive enough. Interestingly, his obituary was full of deception. It painted him as being a great man. A veteran of our armed forces. A man with a son, etc. What it didn't mention was the fact that he was a convicted felon who had several children and left a path of destruction through many states in our great country.
To his children, I am so sorry. You were born victims of his anger, rage and deception. My heart breaks for you. To his former wives, I am also sorry. I can only imagine what you had to endure while he was a part of your lives.
I can breathe again. He is gone. He has had to face the ultimate judge. I never prayed for his soul. The horrible things he did left me no compassion to do so. People often speak of forgiveness and that's what God expects. I've never been able to forgive him. He put me through hell on earth. Whatever choice God made after his passing was between him and God.
I can live again. I am slowly believing that I don't have to look over my shoulder, afraid that he will be lurking behind. I can now update my address with the DMV. I no longer have to fear that he will know where I live. I now believe that my children are safe.
Thank you, God, for ending more than a decade of pain, fear and anger. This chapter of my life is now over. I can live again. I am not quite sure how to define "living again" but I am sure I will find a way!